


The People You Left Behind

by taeilloveclub



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drabble, Established Relationship, Gen, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lots of tears, M/M, Sad, established markhyuck, it's sad sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 17:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18473611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeilloveclub/pseuds/taeilloveclub
Summary: Lee Donghyuck left a lot of people behind. Of course he knew that, but he didn’t really know what it meant. Maybe if he did, he wouldn’t have done what he did.Donghyuck’s world was painful, yes, and his story was complicated. But, as soon as he chose to leave, the world didn’t stop rotating, even with the absence of the sun. The lives of his friends had to continue on in a new world without Donghyuck.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this took a good few days and it ended up longer than I initially planned but I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> I gotta put a big T/W in though, suicide and grief is a big theme in this and it's pretty emotional. 
> 
> Please enjoy, this is the longest thing I've ever written aaaah

Lee Donghyuck left a lot of people behind. Of course he knew that, but he didn’t really know what it meant. Maybe if he did, he wouldn’t have done what he did. 

Unfortunately, he did it and there was no changing that. There was no changing the hurt that he left behind, and there was no picking up the fragments of the life he once lived with so much enthusiasm. 

It was June 14th, an especially cruel day to do it, considering that it was Taeil’s birthday. Donghyuck didn’t feel the cruelty of his actions. No, he only felt the release of long-held pain. 

He was perched on the edge of his bed, dressed neatly in a white shirt that he was supposed to be wearing to Taeil’s birthday party. Supposed to.

He clenched and unclenched his fists an uncountable amount of times. He didn’t know what he was waiting for. Maybe a sign, maybe someone to burst in and stop him. Deep down, he knew that it was so wrong, so selfish. He knew that his friends were probably excitedly waiting for him to join them. But, they didn’t know what it was like to have a heart made of lead. They didn’t understand that, for every day that Donghyuck lived, he was just robotically going through the motions. And just like no one knew what was racing through his mind, no one could have ever predicted what he was going to do. No one ever did and no one was there to stop him. No one slapped at his trembling hands as he clicked off the cap of the bottle. No one heard his shallow, strangled breaths as he clutched at the bathroom sink. Absolutely nobody was there to catch him when his body crumpled to the floor. 

Donghyuck was alone, really alone this time. He felt the loneliness hug him tightly as his eyes flittered shut for the final time. The warmth from his cheek seeped away just as quickly as his life left him. Donghyuck was alone and Donghyuck was gone. 

 

He was unfair. Not only on himself, but on everyone else whom’s worlds he had painted with his light. He had deprived them of that light and they didn’t get a say in it. They didn’t even get a warning. It was there one day and then, suddenly, it wasn’t. 

Donghyuck’s world was painful, yes, and his story was complicated. But, as soon as he chose to leave, the world didn’t stop rotating, even with the absence of the sun. The lives of his friends had to continue on in a new world without Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck, you can’t be blamed for what happened. You were in pain, a lot of pain. But, you have to know, the people you left behind suffered. The people you left behind, they have their own stories, too. And they need to be heard.


	2. Johnny

Donghyuck left Johnny behind. Donghyuck left behind someone he could always rely on, the man who was always there for him. Johnny was like a mentor to the younger from ever since he could remember. He taught him how to ride a bike and wiped his tears when he crashed into the bushes. He bought him ice cream on hot summer days, ruffling his hair and telling him not to tell his mother. Johnny had always promised himself that he would always protect Donghyuck. That’s what he promised, at least.

 

In that sense, there was a bitter irony that Johnny was the one to find Donghyuck. Johnny was the one who rushed to the young man who looked so so small, curled on the floor.

 

When he had never showed up to Taeil’s party, and didn’t answer any of his calls, everyone grew anxious. Johnny had been the one to volunteer to check on him, rushing over to his house on foot. Johnny, of course, knew that Hyuck had been having a tough time but he honestly thought things were getting better.

 

That is why the panic rose so suddenly in his chest when he was nowhere to be found. The living room was dim and empty, and nothing stirred in the kitchen. Donghyuck’s room was only lit by the moonlight, his bed neatly made, with no trace of the young boy in it. His phone sat atop a piece of paper at the foot of the bed. Johnny didn’t dare pick up the paper.

 

Although he never could have known what Donghyuck was planning, something inside him twisted at that very moment. Standing in the doorway of the small, but cosy, bedroom, Johnny knew. He knew all too well. He stumbled backwards, snapping his head towards the bathroom at the end of the hallway. The door was slightly ajar, and light streamed out of it in a slither.

 

No, he _wouldn’t._ Not Donghyuck.

 

“Hyuckie!” Johnny tried to yell out strongly but his voice trailed into a whimper. Before he could even think, he was racing down the hall, as if his fast moving legs could possibly reverse the events that had occurred. Skidding to a halt, Johnny pushed the door open, soaking him in yellow light. He winced at the sight he was confronted with. He had found Donghyuck, but no relief flooded his body.

 

“Hyuckie,” Johnny breathed so quietly that, even if Donghyuck was able to hear anything, he wouldn’t have heard him.

 

“Oh, Hyuckie,” Johnny had sunk to his knees, numbness creeping up his spine. He crept over to the small boy, who’s face was uncharacteristically pale, almost blue.

 

“My Hyuckie,” Johnny scooped the small boy up as if he was weightless, cradling him close to his chest. He held him like he was the most precious thing in the world and, at that moment, he was. Johnny breathed into his soft hair, the only part of him that wasn’t icy cold.

 

“Our beautiful Hyuckie,” he spoke his name again like a broken record, shock debilitating him like a drug. His grip on Donghyuck was tight, and he rubbed circles in his back, just like he always did whenever the younger boy had awoken from a nightmare. Johnny was always there to shush him and tell him it was just a dream. He didn’t say that now. This wasn’t a dream. This was a cruel, cruel reality.

 

It was Johnny’s turn to cry, after years of wiping Donghyuck’s tears. After years of unconditional love, this was Johnny’s last chance to pour his affection into the boy.

 

“Donghyuck, I love you so much. We love you, Hyuckie, so fucking much,” he muttered on repeat, some part of him hoping that, if he told Donghyuck this enough, his pretty eyes would flutter open once again.

 

Of course, they never did.

 

And, as cold realisation seeped into Johnny’s aching heart, he wailed. Johnny never wailed.It started as small sobs bubbling in his throat, progressing into agonised howls, almost inhuman sounds.

 

Eventually, Johnny had to kiss Donghyuck’s soft cheek for the last time. Eventually, Johnny had to allow the small boy to slip from his arms. He hated to leave him like that, he hated every single part of this. But Donghyuck didn’t give him a choice, Johnny didn’t choose to be left behind.

 

Donghyuck, you left Johnny with the job of breaking the news to everyone else. You gave him the responsibility of shattering everyone else’s worlds in the same way that his had just splintered into a million pieces. Donghyuck, you lay there, unmoving on the tiles, as Johnny called defeatedly for an ambulance. You didn’t take a single breath when he raised his phone to his ear and breathed a pained,

“Taeil-hyung, something’s happened.”

 

You didn’t do anything, you couldn’t do anything, because you died, because you left Johnny behind. You left him without your bright smile that cheered his darkest days. Your Johnny-hyung, he was left without his favourite, cheeky, Donghyuck.

 

Instead, his world was left fragmented and it was up to him to pick up the pieces. It wasn’t going to be easy, either. No, there were so many sharp shards and, no matter how hard Johnny tried to fit them back together, they never fit quite right. That’s because, Donghyuck, you were missing.


	3. Taeil

Donghyuck left Taeil behind. Caring, quiet Taeil, who had been his vocal tutor turned close brother since Donghyuck was ten years old. He left behind Taeil, who still had so many things left to teach him, both about singing and life in general. Taeil would never get to teach him any of those things now. 

 

He received the call just as he was taking a breath to blow out his candles, all 24 of them, although he’d rather not keep count. He paused, seeing Johnny’s name flash on the screen. 

 

Taeil was admittedly very anxious about Donghyuck’s unexpected absence and, although everyone patted his shoulder and told him to enjoy his birthday, he just couldn’t push his concerns aside. 

 

He awkwardly cleared his throat and stood up, looking at his expectant friends apologetically.

 

“I’ll just be a moment, it’s Johnny. I’ve just gotta make sure everything’s alright.” he said, turning to step outside the door. 

 

Of course, Taeil discovered that everything really wasn’t alright. It was the opposite of alright, and Taeil's world threatened to split in two in that very moment.

“I’ll let them know,” he whispered into the speaker, reluctance tinging his timid voice. The line beeped dead as Johnny hung up and Taeil allowed his arm to drop to his side. His head lolled back, hitting the wall with a soft thud, and he squeezed his eyes tight shut. Soon, Taeil would have to break the news to the others, but he needed this moment, just a split second, to be in this grief alone. He needed to steady his uneasy breaths as he realised that he wouldn’t get to watch Donghyuck graduate from that performing arts school he worked so hard to get into. He was no longer given the privilege of seeing how Donghyuck’s eyes lit up when he praised his singing. Taeil had to register that the last time the young boy had attacked his cheek with kisses really was the last time. 

 

Memories, Donghyuck’s glowing smile and his soft voice poured into Taeil’s mind like a dam giving way. A clear image of the boy remained central in his head as he stood there. It was of when he was ten years old, his first vocal lesson. Taeil was just 16 at the time but had offered out some help to local kids. And when he met the energetic Donghyuck, he was so glad he did. 

 

_“I’m practically Michael Jackson,” the small boy had told him, oozing with confidence._

 

_At the time, Taeil had snorted in shock, eyeing the way Donghyuck stood so proudly._

 

Taeil remembered what he said to him, and he really meant it. 

_“Well, Donghyuck. With my help, you’ll be better than Michael Jackson.”_

 

Taeil really couldn’t believe that Donghyuck was never going to prove him right, he was never going to do anything anymore. He had seen Donghyuck just a few days ago and he had seemed so _normal_. How could that same Donghyuck do this? Taeil allowed the overwhelming shock to drown him in the quiet hallway until the sound of a small voice caused his teary eyes to snap open. 

 

“Hyung, are you going to blow out your candles?” 

 

Taeil turned to face Mark, who peered around the doorway, chewing his lip anxiously. Taeil sighed shakily, wordlessly pulling the boy into a tight hug. He had to be strong now, even though he felt his heart strings pulled so tight that he feared they might snap. 

 

At this point in time, only Taeil was living in a world without Donghyuck and he had to be the one to tear that bright world from everyone else. He had to watch as Mark’s face fell in utter horror and a frantic Doyoung paced the room, running his hands through his hair. Taeil was the one to stroke the back of a trembling Yuta, all the while the candles on his birthday cake burned brightly. 

 

 

He became the silent shoulder to cry on.

No matter what, Taeil was there, as strong as could be, in everyone’s moments of weaknesses. He stood tall beside Donghyuck’s mother at the funeral, rubbing her arm when she weeped into his shoulder. He lay with an exhausted Johnny, who had been taking care of all the funeral arrangements, for hours on end until he finally slept for the first time in weeks. He had made sure to always check up on the younger ones, rushing over to shush them and stroke their hair no matter what hour of the day it was. Taeil put his life, and his grieving process, on hold for everyone else. 

 

From the outside, Taeil was well put together. He was able to hide the way in which he was crumbling apart inside so well, like a programmed robot. He almost appeared too okay, he was coping too well. In fact, he had been so preoccupied with drying everyone else’s eyes, he hadn’t even shed a tear. He was all dried out, like a desert.

 

 

Taeil was quick to volunteer to assist Johnny with clearing out Donghuck's room. His mother was struggling with living in the large house alone and was making the move back to Jeju Island. But unfortunately, that meant packing up the room that Donghyuck had left so pristine. Johnny and Taeil didn't even consider for a moment to allow Mrs Lee to do it herself. Instead, they insisted on doing it themselves.

 

Taeil let out a small gasp as he stepped inside, traces of Hyuck painting every inch of the box room. Michael Jackson posters plastered across walls and vinyls tightly packed onto the shelves. His bed was tightly made, although there was a slight dip in the covers towards the foot of the bed. Taeil didn’t want to think about who probably sat there last.

 

Taeil turned to meet Johnny, who looked around wearily, with boxes tucked under his long arms. 

 

“Okay, well if you pack up the clothes, I’ll clear the shelves and drawers.” Taeil suggested, not wanting to delay the painful process. 

 

“ _The_  clothes? _”_ Johnny echoed, eyes carefully trained on the shorter man. “You mean Donghyuck’s clothes, hyung.” 

 

Taeil folded his arms, avoiding Johnny’s intense gaze. 

“What’s the difference?” 

 

“Why can’t you say his name?” Johnny interrogated.

 

“Johnny, can we not do th-“ 

 

“You’ve been acting so strong, hyung, but I know you’re falling apart like the rest of us. You’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to miss him. It’s okay to hurt.” Johnny stood closer, reaching out to  Taeil. 

 

The older of the two flinched and stepped backwards, dodging Johnny’s affections.

 

“Let’s just start packing.” Taeil’s voice was monotonous and he turned his back coldly to Johnny. 

 

Taeil dug through Donghyuck’s belongings, his mind distant as he packed away his beloved tarot cards. He scanned over endless music sheets, where both Donghyuck and Taeil had scribbled notes. Every single thing that the young boy had owned was rich with memory, in the same way that he was so rich with life.

 

Taeil pulled open the final drawer, and found it to be nearly empty, bar a few pencils, an assortment of foreign currency and a small, black box. Taeil picked up the unfamiliar item, scanning it curiously. Attached to it, was a small label. He flicked it over and he felt his blood run cold as he read the tidy hand writing. 

 

_“For Moon Taeil Hyung”_

 

He weighed the box in his hands. This must have been his birthday present that he never received. Taeil knew that opening it would be like opening pandora’s box, but he couldn’t help himself. This was his moment of weakness, and he was willing to indulge.

 

As he slid the lid off, Taeil found himself looking at a delicate silver bracelet. It was simple, just his style. Attached to it was a small charm of a crescent moon, an obvious play at Taeil’s last name. Donghyuck always loved making references to it. A folded note fluttered out the box and Taeil stared at it for a moment. He contemplated, wrestling with his thoughts. He was terrified that reading whatever Donghyuck had written would open a flood gate of emotions that he had worked to bury. But, something inside him was itching to know, itching to grasp at the last whisper of Donghyuck. 

 

With trembling hands, he unfolded the paper. 

 

_‘Moonie hyung, it’s your birthday! You are getting too old, seriously. Even though you’re old and frail, you’re still the best teacher and hyung I could ever ask for. I hope you like your bracelet, it’s a moon because YOUR last name is Moon! Hahahah get it? Have the best birthday that you deserve! I mean, you'll have a great birthday because I'll be there lolololol._

_I love you, hyung. Happy Birthday._

 

_p.s. If you’re wondering why I didn’t get you a sun bracelet, it’s because you don’t need another sun when you have me! hehehe’_

 

 

Taeil clasped a hand tightly over his mouth, hot tears welling up in his eyes. How could Donghyuck write these things, promise that he'd be there and then suddenly disappear? It was cruel and Taeil didn't understand. His Donghyuck, his one and only sun wasn’t here anymore and his world was ultimately duller. After all, without the sun, the moon cannot shine.

 

“Johnny,” Taeil eventually croaked out, the need for human touch clawing at him for the first time in a long time. Taeil needed to be held for once. He was tired of being brave. Being brave without Donghyuck was too hard.

 

Johnny rushed to his hyungs’ side and held him well into the starless night. They didn’t speak much as they did so, but instead allowed themselves to cry, to bleed the pain onto salty cheeks. There was so much pain to bleed out. So much so that Taeil allowed himself to wonder if this was how much the young boy ached every day. It was an unsettling thought. Taeil had a lot of thoughts that he needed to process.

 

Donghyuck, you left Taeil without his best student.

Not necessarily because you were the best vocalist, (god knows that Chenle kid could sing) but because you poured light into his life. 

 

Hyuckie, you left Taeil behind in a dim world, a world in which your gentle voice no longer sang. Yes, your absence made him strong, it made him brave, but he was still so awfully _broken_. Inside and out.

 

You left you moon alone, and he will still be in orbit, he’ll still carry on, but he can’t help but worry that he will never shine as bright again. 


	4. Jisung

Donghyuck left Jisung behind. Jisung, who needed to be protected and nurtured, not broken into a million pieces. The young boy, who just couldn’t fathom why his hyung would do such an awful thing. Why would he abandon his Jisung? 

 

Donghyuck had promised that one day, when he’d saved up enough money, he’d take Jisung to Jeju. The younger boy always talked to excitedly about wanting to see the cascading waterfalls and was absolutely convinced that he was going to climb Oeldogae Rock. 

 

Donghyuck always happily indulged in the younger boy’s fantasies. 

_“I’m the Jeju prince, Jisungie,” he would say._

_“I promise we’ll visit there one day, okay?”_

 

He would then hold out an extended pinky finger, a warm smile tugging at his lips. Jisung gladly accepted, interlocking his finger with his Hyung’s in a binding promise. 

 

Donghyuck broke the promise, and with it, broke Jisung’s pure heart. 

 

With his beloved hyung taken from him so suddenly, Jisung’s confusion and grief manifested into continuous, unbearable nightmares. He was mentally and physically exhausted, and this showed as clear as day in the shadows underneath his sunken eyes. His cruel subconscious had been depriving him of sleep for nearly a month now, ever since Donghyuck died.

 

Night after night, Jisung would wake up, gasping for air through sobs that racked his chest. The image of Donghyuck’s mangled body fresh in his mind. He would tug at his hair a little too hard, as if doing so would push the memories of the dreams away. It never worked and, instead, Jisung would make himself small beneath the covers, suppressing his whimpers until he drifted into a shallow sleep again. 

 

On one especially sombre night, on which the moon was dulled behind thick clouds, Jisung had an especially horrendous nightmare.

 

_He was on Jeju island with Donghyuck, the ironic setting for all his dreams recently. They were standing at the lighthouse, and the sun kissed Donghyuck’s golden skin just like it always did. He turned to Jisung with a heart-shaped smile stretched from cheek to cheek._

 

_“See, I told you Hyung would keep his promise, Jisungie,” he grinned proudly at the young boy._

_Jisung just stood, unmoving, as he watched Donghyuck in disbelief._

 

_“Hyung, is it really you?” he managed to fathom a whisper as he took a hesitant step closer._

 

_Donghyuck tilted his head in confusion._

_“Of course it’s me. Don’t be a weirdo, Jisung,” he teased._

 

_Jisung didn’t take offence to this, he was much too happy to see his hyung._

_“I thought you were gone. I thought you left me,” Jisung spoke, eyes cast to the ground, as if he was ashamed to have thought these things._

 

_Donghyuck’s expression remained warm._

_“If I was gone, then I’d never be able to take you to Jeju, would I?” he said so matter-of-factly._

 

_Jisung only nodded, trying so hard to process this strange reality._

 

_The sun set on the lighthouse rapidly and, soon, the scenery that was once flooded with light was nothing but a dark void. Unsettled by the sudden nightfall, Jisung spun around in search of Donghyuck’s comforting presence._

 

_“Hyung?” he whimpered into the darkness, “Donghyuck-hyung, where are you? I’m scared.”_

 

_He turned his head towards the tall window, and flinched at the sight before him._

 

_Donghyuck stood, on the other side of the glass, teetering dangerously on the ledge. His eyes were wide and he looked small, like a frightened deer._

 

_Jisung rushed to the window, and banged on it relentlessly._

_“Hyung! Come inside! Why are you out there? I need you! Please come back inside hyung!” He cried out until his throat was hoarse but Donghyuck couldn’t hear him, he didn’t even acknowledge him._

 

_Despite this, Jisung still shrieked frantically, so desperate to have his hyung by his side. He watched as Donghyuck looked around, craning his neck awkwardly._

 

_“Hyung, I’m right in front of you!” Jisung tried hopelessly to assure him. Nothing was working. He just couldn’t get through to Donghyuck._

 

_He watched, mortified, as Donghyuck blinked glassily and then rocked back on his heels, dropping into the nothingness with no warning._

 

_“Hyung!”_

 

Jisung awoke in a frenzy as icy chills ran through him. Hot tears that he didn’t know he was crying fell onto the crumpled bed sheets. He snapped his head around his surroundings, confronted by nothing but darkness.

 

“Hyung?” Jisung called out, trapped in the rift between sleep and consciousness. 

 

He hugged his chest as he breathed erratically, longing for someone to hold him, longing for one person in particular person to hold him. 

 

“Hyung,” Jisung spoke again, as the sleep wore from his tired head. As he struggled to regain himself, the young boy leaned over his bed, flicking the lamp on. 

 

He winced as he adjusted to the bright light, eventually blinking his eyes wide open and peering around at his room.

No Donghyuck.

Directly opposite his bed, tacked to the wall, was a map of Jeju-do, with glittery heart stickers marking all the places he planned to visit. All the places he planned to visit, with _Donghyuck_. 

 

In a sudden burst, before Jisung could even think to move, he had launched himself out of the bed, hands blindly grappling at the poster. He ripped at the paper fervently, each shred that he tugged away signifying how Jisung’s heart had been torn into tatters.

 

As the adrenaline seeped away, Jisung sunk to his knees, scraps of his poster settling around him. He scanned the floor around him, stunned at himself. Did he really just tear down his poster, the one that reminded him of his favourite hyung?

 

Then, he began to cry again. Silent, defeated tears spilling from tired eyes. 

 

“Donghyuck-hyung,” he spoke into the empty room, “I still want to go to Jeju. I want to go with you, but I can’t. You broke your promise. You shouldn’t break promises you make to little brothers,” he poured his pain out, head hung low. 

 

“Will I have to go to Jeju without you, Hyung? Do I have to fulfil our deal for you?” Jisung’s words become quiet and lazy as his breathing began to steady.

 

Jisung scooped up the scraps of paper and hugged them to his chest, trying to absorb Jeju, trying to absorb Donghyuck. 

 

“I’ll go to Jeju.” His eyes fluttered shut as he rested his head against the bare wall.

 

“But it will never be the same without Hyung.” 

 

 

Donghyuck, although you didn’t know it at the time, you made an empty promise every time you locked pinky fingers with Jisung. You built his hopes high, only to let him fall. 

 

And he fell far. And he fell _hard_.  

 

But do you know the worst part? It wasn’t that you let Jisung down, it was that you weren’t there to catch him. 

 

Jisung was too young to lose his hyung, he had so much that he still had to do with him. He still needed Donghyuck’s protection. He still needed to go to Jeju. But, of course we all know by now, that what we need isn’t necessarily what we get.

 

 Jisung would go to Jeju, and try to make sense of the place that he had torn to shreds with his bare hands. He would do so without his hyung and, in a sense, that made him stronger. He didn’t know and maybe he didn’t want to learn it this way but Donghyuck’s departure taught Jisung to be resilient. Alone, on the floor of his bedroom and at the rocky shores of Jeju island, Jisung had to grow up. 

 

Donghyuck, if you could see Jisung, you would be so so proud of him. He grew up so well. 


	5. Jeno

Donghyuck left Jeno behind. His best friend, who was always with him, rain or shine. Jeno, who waited for Donghyuck at the bus stop every day, usually with the boy’s favourite soft drink in hand.

 

For Jeno, going back to school was the hardest. He had begun to adjust to not receiving any texts from Donghyuck and the severe lack of movie dates and sleepovers. Jeno had begun to recover, slowly picking up the pieces, untangling the confusion in his mind. 

 

After just over a month, Jeno’s lonely, painful summer break fizzled to an end. Part of him was ready to go back, to maybe distract himself with classes, try out for leader of the dance team. 

But on the first day back at school, everything seemed so disjointed and wrong. 

 

Jeno scanned the fridges at the convenience store for his ritual morning drink. His eyes fell upon watermelon ramune, Donghyuck’s favourite. He almost reached out to grab it, _almost_. He stopped his arm from moving with an awkward jolt. Jeno paused, a wave of realisation crashing over him. Things were going to be so different from now on. 

 

Jeno dug his hand into his pocket, fishing out a handful of coins. 

The lady at the register smiled at him patiently, scanning the single bottle. 

“Are you not a fan of ramune these days?” she commented, only intending to make small talk.

Jeno gulped, feeling his heart rise in his chest.

 

“Uh, no that’s not it,” he said stiffly.

 

The woman shrugged slightly.

“Well, it’s just that you usually buy two drinks.

I guess you’re being a bit more frugal,” She laughed.

 

Jeno nodded awkwardly. 

“Yeah, that’s it.” 

 

 

 

Despite the chattering voices around him, the bus seemed so quiet without Donghyuck’s laughter. Jeno shoved his earphones into his ears, trying to drown out the lack of his best friend. 

 

He closed his eyes, placing his hand on the empty seat beside him. This was so hard. This was so _wrong_. 

 

Jeno felt as if he was living in a simulation of his own life, as if the coding was just off. He hated it so much. He wanted his real life back, his life with Donghyuck’s smile and too-loud voice. He wanted his best friend. 

 

He didn’t want to cry on the school bus, surrounded by his peers, but he didn’t give himself much of a choice. He felt the tightness in his chest rise as the overwhelming sadness rippled through him again. Jeno lay his head in his hands, shaking as he choked back sobs. He tried to wipe his tears, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that he had two earphones in his ears instead of one. He should be sharing the other one with Donghyuck.

 

Jeno felt judging eyes burning into his skull but he couldn’t think about that. All he could think about was the way Donghyuck would jab his sharp elbows into his ribs and call him a crybaby.  

 

Just as Jeno was about to attempt to compose himself, he felt a soft nudge in his shoulder. 

 

_Oh, here we go._

 

Slowly, he craned his neck around to meet the eyes of an apologetic looking boy. His hair was ruffled and grazed the top of his eyes. Jeno recognised him, he was pretty sure he had taken a class with him last year. What was his name? Jae-something. Jaebin? No. Jaemin. That was it. 

 

From what Jeno could recall, Jaemin was fairly nice. He wasn’t overly popular, but nobody seemed to have a problem with him. He could usually be spotted typing away at his laptop in the library. Jeno just assumed that he was the reserved type, which is why it surprised him that he approached him. 

 

Jaemin leaned forward and spoke quietly, even though nobody sat in the seats that surrounded them.

 

“I heard about your loss. I’m so sorry,” he waited for Jeno to reply. 

 

The older of the two sat there for a moment, analysing the sincerity that dripped from Jaemin’s features. 

 

“Thanks,” he finally said before turning back around. 

 

“Hey, you wanna sit with-“ Jaemin placed his hand on Jeno’s upper arm, causing the other to jump. 

 

“Do you mind just leaving me alone?” Jeno interrupted, his tone sharper than he intended. 

 

Jaemin retracted his hand and sat back wordlessly. Jeno felt a little bad for being so cold but shook the guilt away. Did Jaemin think he could just swoop in and fix everything with a ‘sorry’? Jeno’s best friend in the entire world _died._

He couldn’t just fix that. Jaemin wasn’t Donghyuck. His smile could never be as bright as his. His hugs could never be as warm. He couldn’t just sit where Donghyuck was supposed to be.

 

For the following week, to and from school, the cycle continued. Jaemin would flash Jeno a soft smile to which he responded to by averting his eyes. The younger boy would approach the other but Jeno would strategically place his backpack in the seat next to him, shutting Jaemin out. 

 

Despite this, Jaemin always stuck close by, settling in the seat behind Jeno everyday, even with his wearing patience. 

 

By the next week, Jeno expected Jaemin to leave him alone, but he persisted. 

 

“Good morning, Jeno-ssi,” he greeted, eyes sparkling almost too cheerfully. It was offensive. Jeno envied how happy Jaemin seemed to be, he missed being able to board the school bus with no worries besides the homework that was due first period.

 

Jeno, as per usual, didn’t respond and sipped silently on his banana milk. Jaemin frowned for a moment but still swung into the seat behind the solemn boy. 

 

Jeno slipped off the bus, throwing a quick thank you to the bus driver. He adjusted his backpack and began to walk in the direction of his street. The sun had begun to disappear already and he’d rather not walk in the dark, not without the company of his best friend.

 

“Hey, Lee Jeno!” a voice called from behind him. Jeno recognised it to be Jaemin’s and spun around to see the tall boy leaning against the bus shelter. 

 

“Jaemin,” Jeno sighed, “this isn’t your stop. What are you do-“ 

 

“I’m not trying to replace Donghyuck.” Jaemin’s expression was serious, but gentle. He said Donghyuck’s name so _casually_ , with no pain attached to it. Jeno had missed hearing his name like that. He didn’t turn to walk away, like he expected himself to. No, instead, his feet remained planted firmly on the pavement. 

 

“Just let me be your friend, Jeno,” Jaemin spoke again after a few moments of silence.

 

“I don’t thi-“ 

 

“Please.” 

 

Jaemin’s eyes were pleading and he chewed his lip anxiously. Jeno pondered. Why was Jaemin so desperate to be his friend? Why did he care so much? 

 

Jeno wanted to turn away, to leave Jaemin alone in the darkening in the street, but something was tugging at him. 

 

He was reminded of the first time he met Donghyuck. They were just five years old, maybe six. Donghyuck had seen Jeno sitting alone on the swing set and had bounded over to him. 

 

_With the confidence that he always radiated, Donghyuck introduced himself._

_“I’m Lee Donghyuck,” he said, “I think we should be friends.”_

 

_Jeno had asked him why in a small voice and without even a second’s hesitation, Donghyuck threw his arms up into the air and announced theatrically,_

_“Well, why not?”_

 

 

 

Jeno hugged his shoulders as the air turned cold. Jaemin watched him patiently and expectantly. He couldn’t come up with a viable reason why he should reject him. Donghyuck had always clung to him and scowled possessively at anyone who looked Jeno’s way. Of course, Jeno knew that his best friend would never want him to be alone. Donghyuck would hate to see him shut himself off like this.

 

Shakily, Jeno inhaled. 

 

“Okay Jaemin, why not?” He said, his lips tugging up slightly. 

 

Jaemin grinned an orange-slice smile. 

“Finally,” he snorted.

 

“But Jaemin, I have to ask you. What’s your favourite drink?” 

The taller boy’s eyebrow quirked up playfully.

“Iced Coffee. Black.” 

 

Jeno could almost hear Donghyuck gagging at the mention of coffee, calling it squid ink, and he giggled. Jaemin definitely wasn’t trying to replace his best friend, that was for sure. 

 

Donghyuck, you will forever be Jeno’s best friend, so there’s no need to worry. He’ll never stop missing you and his heart will always pang whenever he sees the sickly sweet soft drink that you always loved. 

 

But, you must know, you left him so alone. He felt your absence so strongly that it physically hurt. You should really thank Jaemin for coming along when he did, though. Jeno was in danger of falling into  the darkness that you knew all too well. He was shutting himself away, building up walls in place of you. But, Na Jaemin persisted. He’s good for Jeno. He doesn’t like ramune and can’t sing like an angel. He doesn’t marathon sailor moon with Jeno like you did, but he’s still so good. He drinks coffee like it’s his life force and he’s the most talented writer that Jeno’s ever met. They’ve made new traditions together. They’re not better than yours, don’t worry, but Jeno thinks that maybe they’re just as special. 

 

Jeno rebuilt his fractured world once you left him. There’s always going to be a deep, irreparable crack where you once were but, with the addition of Jaemin, Jeno has enough stability to get along. 

 

Jeno likes to imagine that, in another reality, in another timeline in which you hadn’t done what to you did, you could’ve met Jaemin. The three of you could’ve been the best of friends. It’s a nice fantasy, but it will always be just that. After all, you’re not coming back, are you?

 


	6. Mark

Donghyuck left Mark behind. How could we forget? Mark, who was endlessly and utterly in love with Donghyuck. Mark, who would have stolen all the stars out of the sky just to save Donghyuck. Mark, who couldn’t bring himself to let go.

 

Some part of Mark didn’t even want to put his shattered world back together again, because was it really _his_ if it didn’t have Donghyuck in it? Even if he tried to put the pieces back together, he couldn’t because he was still holding onto one particularly sharp fragment too tightly. He was holding onto Donghyuck so relentlessly that his hands were split and scarred all over. 

 

The February sky was grey and dismal, in turn making the scenery that surrounded the small coffee shop seem muted. 

Mark sat across from Johnny who, in all honesty, he hadn’t really gotten to know until recently. In some dark sense, Hyuck’s death had brought them together. Johnny was kind to Mark; he knew that he had probably taken the death of the young boy the worst out of everyone. Although he was always gentle and cautious, Johnny was honest with Mark. The younger boy often didn’t like that about Johnny. 

 

“Mark, please try and let him go,” Johnny broke the comfortable silence after carefully analysing Mark’s glassy eyes for a while. He could tell he was thinking about Donghuck again, probably about how much he loved little cafes such as these. He was probably thinking about how he would’ve liked to take Hyuck here and buy him hot chocolate. Johnny could read the young boy like a book.

 

Mark slowly raised his gaze to meet Johnny’s, betrayal painted across his pale features. 

 

“How could you even _say_ that?” His tone was icy. 

 

“Mark, I hate seeing you tear yourself apart like this. It’s not healthy,” Johnny reasoned, fiddling with a stray thread on his jumper’s sleeve. 

 

“Do you expect me just to move on and forget?” He hissed, his brows knitting together in frustration.

 

“What? No, of course I-“

 

“I lost the most important person in my life, hyung. I can’t just let go.”

 

“You’re not the only person who lost Donghyuck, Mark!” Johnny raised his voice, attracting the attention of a few customers. 

 

“I lost him too! We all did! Taeil, Jeno, Doyoung and J-“ 

 

“Don’t you think I know that?” Mark interrupted. “And it seems to me like you’ve all forgotten about him. I’m the only one who seems to even miss him!” he spat.

 

Johnny froze and his shoulders slumped, hurt rippling through his eyes. Mark’s outburst had stunned him into near silence.

“We’re never going to forget about Donghyuck. Sometimes, I miss him so much that it feels like I’m suffocating,” Johnny’s voice was smaller now, as he regained his composure.

“We’re just trying to put ourselves back together. I just want you to begin to put yourself back together, Mark. You’re worrying me.” 

 

At that, Mark rose from the table, his chair screeching unceremoniously across the floor. 

 

“Maybe that’s just impossible for me,” he said breathily, before pushing his way out into the cold winter morning. 

 

Mark’s feet carried him quickly down grey streets. He didn’t even need to think, his body carried him on autopilot to the place where he _always_ went when he was sad, angry, confused or all of the above. He marched forward like a foot soldier, to the place where he once felt the happiest.

 

 

The playground was small and it really wasn’t anything special. There was a rusted set of monkey bars, a rickety swing-set and a brightly coloured jungle gym equipped with a twisting, red slide. 

 

Ritualistically, Mark made his way through the sand and clambered up the ladder that was icy cold to his touch. He awkwardly slid into the small space and tucked his knees into his chest.

 

If he breathed just lightly enough and squeezed his eyes tight shut, Mark could almost feel Donghyuck’s presence there once again. He could almost slip into the fantasy that it was the summer of 2017 again. 

 

Mark and Donghyuck had been having petty fights all summer break over the tiniest things and neither of them quite understood why. That’s because they were both too dumb to realise how head-over-heels in love they were with each other and mistook their rapid beating hearts and tightened throats as anger. They were two halves of a whole idiot. 

 

A week of silent treatment after their last petty argument, over something that Mark honestly couldn’t remember, the realisation of their feelings crashed over the two boys almost simultaneously. The saying really was true; distance makes the heart grow fonder. They agreed to meet at the park where their mothers would often drop them off when they were younger, for old time’s sake. 

 

Mark tries not to remember his nervous confession to Donghyuck, it was just too embarrassing. He stumbled over his words and his cheeks burned a bright red. Luckily for him, Donghyuck had such an immense crush on the older boy that he found it endearing. 

 

The memory attached to this small playground that Mark prefers to remember was their first kiss. They were sitting in the very spot that he now sat in alone and the warm tones of golden hour highlighted Donghyuck’s soft features just right. His hair was a firetruck red, a colour he had dyed it to spite Mark in the midst of an argument, who told him it was a stupid colour. Mark no longer thought it was a stupid colour. It complimented the younger boy’s honey-like skin perfectly. 

 

_They were chatting away at high speed and Donghyuck was teasing Mark about his shy confession._

 

_“I-I don’t want to make you uncomfortable o-or anything. B-but I have to tell you other-otherwise my heart will BURST!” Donghyuck mocked, exaggerating the stutter._

 

_“Hey! Shut up before I take it all back!” Mark launched himself at the impish boy, attacking his ribs with tickles._

 

_Donghyuck let out a squeal and crashed onto his back with a thud, writhing beneath an unrelenting Mark._

 

_“No... no take... backsies,” Donghyuck managed to gasp in between hysterical giggles._

 

_Mark ceased the tickling and instead leaned closer to the other boy, who was struggling to catch his breath. When their noses were almost touching, Mark paused in the air, scanning over Donghyuck’s delicate features. How did he manage to be so pretty? The younger boy looked up at him expectantly but Mark just couldn’t draw his attention away from the way his long eyelashes fluttered. In a surge of impatience, Donghyuck snaked his arm around so that he was grasping at the back of Mark’s neck. He pulled him downwards, and their lips crashed together in a perfect mess. They stayed that way for maybe a few seconds, but the moment lasted for an eternity in Mark’s memory._

 

The kiss was new and foreign, and the pair eventually got better at kissing ( a _lot_ better). But still, that first kiss in which they didn’t quite fit together right was the most special to Mark. In that moment, uncertainty melted into mutual longing and the two boys fused into one. They weren’t seperate beings anymore. 

 

That’s why Donghyuck’s death tore Mark to shreds. The younger boy was still very much a part of him and vice versa. When he left, he tore off a part of Mark with him and in turn left fragments of himself attached to the older boy. He left him incomplete, with no explanation. 

 

Mark huffed, as the sweet memory replayed on repeat like a broken record. Tears had begun to spill from his unblinking eyes. This was no surprise, and Mark didn’t even move a finger to wipe them away. He had cried so much in the past months that he honestly couldn’t believe that he had a single drop of water left in his body. 

 

Mark’s solemn train of thought was interrupted only when a squeaky voice spoke behind him. 

 

“You’re supposed to have fun at playgrounds. Not _cry._ ” 

 

Mark turned his head to be greeted by a small girl with pink cheeks, who’s hair was pulled into neat braids. She balanced carefully on the ladder, her chin resting on one of the rungs.

 

“Oh. Sorry,”

Mark began to wipe at his salty cheeks automatically, not quite sure why he was apologising to this child. She made her way further up the ladder, eventually settling cross-legged across from Mark. He wasn’t expecting the company, but the innocent presence of a kid was a welcome change to the concerned adults that doted on him. 

 

“You gotta be real sad to cry at a playground,” she commented. “Why are you crying?” 

 

Mark tried to smile. 

“I lost someone really special to me,” he admitted.

 

Her eyebrows twitched upwards. 

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

 

Mark sighed and ducked his head slightly. 

“Yeah, so am I.” 

 

The girl quirked her head to the side in confusion. 

“Why are you sorry?” she quizzed. 

 

“Well, sometimes it feels like it was my fault.” 

 

Her eyes widened and she leaned in closer.

“Why? Did you _kill_ them?!” she whisper-yelled. 

 

“What? No! Of course not!” Mark spluttered in shock. Man, kids really had no filter. She sunk back into her seat, almost as if she was disappointed. 

 

“Then how come it was your fault?” she continued, not relenting with the questioning. Mark pondered for a while.

 

“Well sometimes I feel like I could’ve stopped it. Maybe if I had done something, he would still be here.” 

 

The young girl looked deep in thought. 

“So you _knew_ he was going to die?” she said after a few moments. Mark shook his head. 

 

“Well then it’s simple. If you didn’t kill him and you didn’t _know_ then it wasn’t your fault!” she spoke very matter-of-factly. Her confidence reminded Mark of Donghyuck. He liked that. 

 

“Then why do I still feel so bad?” he said and was shocked at himself for opening up so easily. This was a kindergartener, not his therapist. 

 

She pouted. 

“I don’t know. I guess you musta loved him a whole lot,” she concluded. 

 

Mark nodded and leant back a little. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, “I di- I _do_ love him.” 

 

The girl looked like she was about to speak again until the voice of a woman called out from below. 

 

“Ihn-ha? Are you done playing?” 

 

“Coming!” the girl called back and turned to make an exit down the slide. 

 

She turned to look at Mark.

“I gotta go.” she apologised. “It was nice talkin’ to you. I really hope you’ll stop crying at playgrounds soon.” 

 

Before Mark could even respond, she shot down the slide with a “wheeeee”. 

 

He sat in silent thought for a while, replaying what Ihn-ha had said to him in his head. 

 

_I really hope you’ll stop crying at playgrounds soon._

 

For the first time since Donghyuck had died, Mark also hoped that he would stop crying at playgrounds. He decided that maybe holding on so tightly hurt him too much. He decided that maybe he was tired, really tired. 

 

The sky was beginning to darken, starless and empty. Mark decided to pull himself up from where he was slumped. He fished his phone out of his pocket and held it patiently to his ear while it rang. 

 

“Johnny-hyung?” he cleared his throat. “I’m _so_ tired. Please help me let go.” 

 

 

Donghyuck, you broke Mark. You broke him so bad that he thought he was beyond repair for a long time. Even Johnny was beginning to lose hope. The memories you shared together shaped him so much so that he was convinced that he couldn’t live without you. He almost didn’t. 

 

You must have known that what you did would hurt Mark the most. You must have known that it would eat him up ruthlessly. You knew what Mark was like. You would have known that he would blame himself, he would wonder why he wasn’t good enough for you to stay. You definitely knew, but you did it anyway. Mental illness is cruel like that. 

 

The others could almost, _almost_ understand how you could bring yourself to leave them behind. But what no one could fathom, no matter how hard they tried to put themselves in your shoes, was how you could leave sweet, perfect Mark. 

 

Mark considered joining you. I know you wouldn’t want to hear that, but it’s true. You tore a gaping hole right down the centre of his world. You nearly destroyed him. The only thing that stopped him was the fear that he would break someone else in the way you broke him.

 

He’s lucky that little girl came along and put things in perspective. She was like a guardian angel of sorts, strangely wise for her age but still brimming with untampered innocence. She was kinda like you.

 

Mark would never heal fully, the wound was always just too tender. But, he very slowly learned to live with his pain, in a way that you couldn’t. You should be relieved that Mark found bravery, that he somehow found the strength to loosen his grasp on you. 

 


	7. Happy Birthday

_“Happy birthday, dear Donghyuck. Happy birthday to you”_

 

The seven boys cramped around the small table sang the celebratory song with an uncharacteristically melancholic tone. This birthday was meant to be a happy occasion, a celebration of life, but they couldn’t help but feel heavy. 

 

They all stared expectantly at the 19 candles that burned brightly before them, before realising that they weren’t going to be blown out. The person who was supposed to close his eyes and make a wish wasn’t there and they boys couldn’t bring themselves to extinguish his candles for him. 

 

“Uh, let’s just let them burn out on their own,” Taeil eventually suggested, to which the others nodded in agreement. 

 

The room was dim, only lit by the small flames that flickered upon the strawberry cheesecake. June 6th, 2019. Donghyuck would’ve turned 19 today. He should’ve laughed and munched happily on his favourite cheesecake, surrounded by his closest friends. He should’ve but, of course, he didn’t, because he had died almost a year ago. 

 

In just over a week, it would be the anniversary of the day their worlds got a little dimmer, as well as Taeil’s birthday. The group had decided to commemorate Donghyuck’s life on his birthday. Partially because the date of his death seemed just too morbid as well as to savour Taeil’s birthday. Taeil appreciated the sentiment, but he knew his birthday would never be the same again. He didn’t blame Donghyuck for ruining it. That just happened to be the day where he couldn’t go on anymore. Who likes celebrating ageing, anyway, right? 

 

They tried to distract themselves from touching on anything too sensitive. They chatted with smiles on their faces but the untouched cake on their plates on the falters in their laughter told another story. Johnny would laugh and explain with theatrical gestures the mini concerts Donghyuck would perform for him when they were younger. Jeno pulled out his phone, flicking through photos of him and Hyuck in elementary school while everyone responded with coos. Mark remained quiet through most of the conversation, afraid that he might break down if he shared his memories, but found himself smiling fondly every so often. Yuta brought up the incident at Donghyuck’s 13th birthday party and Jisung melted into his chair in shame. Johnny rubbed his back, insisting that it wasn’t _that_ bad and that Donghyuck definitely looked worse. Jisung groaned in embarrassment anyway and Johnny shot Yuta a glare for mentioning it.

 

When the conversation fizzled to a comfortable silence after Taeil’s shy explanation of the bracelet that hung delicately on his wrist, Jeno looked up. He poked at the partially nibbled cake on his plate before piping up. 

 

“Can I say something?” he asked, to which six sets of eyes turned to look at him. 

 

“Go for it,” Johnny encouraged him.

 

“I’ve learned to accept it, you know,” Jeno began “but I still can’t bring myself to understand. How could he ever do something like that to _himself_? I can't even imagine it.” 

 

His comment was met with silence as the other boys at the table sat deep in thought. Jeno instantly regretted bringing the mood down, as fragile and forced as it was.

 

Eventually, someone spoke. 

 

“I can understand.” Doyoung said in a quiet voice. The others turned to him, shock evident in their features.

 

“I’m not saying he should’ve done it, not at all,” he explained.

“I’m just saying I can understand the mindset. I’ve been in that place before and it’s all consuming and so dark. Depression..” he trailed off for a moment

“Depression is selfish. It controls you like a puppet.” 

 

No one said a word as they all studied Doyoung, who suddenly seemed a little smaller, his shoulders slumped a little. 

 

“I really can’t stand talking about the way Donghyuck died,” Johnny spoke up clearly. Taeil watched the way his eyes glistened carefully. He knew it was especially sensitive for Johnny, given that he was the only one who had seen the boy in his most vulnerable state. He reached under the table and squeezed his hand slightly. 

 

“I just don’t think we should remember that part of him. Like, his life was way shorter than it was meant to be,” his voice wavered slightly and his blinked hard. 

“But even so, we have to remember him for how amazing he was, and all the _other_ things he did.” 

 

“He should’ve done so many more amazing things, though,” Mark spoke for the first time, his eyes trained on his own fidgeting hands. 

 

“We can’t dwell on what he should’ve done. We can’t think about what could’ve been. We have to focus on what’s real.” 

Taeil spoke, his voice as soft and hesitant as ever. Despite this, everyone always listened to him, he always had some important wisdom to offer.

 

Jisung was the first to cry. Sobs that shook his entire body quickly took over like a crashing wave. He tried to quickly wipe away the tears but Johnny wrapped a comforting arms around his small shoulders. 

“It’s okay, Jisungie. You can cry,” he whispered into his hair as hot tears began to spill from his own eyes. 

 

Jisung triggered a chain reaction of sorts. Soon after, Jeno was slumped, crying quietly into his sleeve, with Doyoung’s arms wrapped tightly around him. Yuta went quiet, the only person with dry eyes in the room. Nevertheless, the pain was present on his face. 

 

Mark, who was breathing a little too heavily, stood  very suddenly, turning to leave whilst hanging his head low. Before he could take a step, he felt a hand grasp tightly at his wrist. He looked over to be met with Taeil, looking up at him with pleading eyes. 

 

“Don’t go, Mark.” 

 

Mark tried to tug his arm away but Taeil’s grip remained firm. 

 

“Just stay with us. For _him_.” Taeil said the final word like it was a secret, causing a deep pang in the younger boy's heart.

 

At that, Mark crumpled back into his seat, pressing his head into Taeil’s shoulder. His shoulders shook as his salty tears seeped into his hyung’s shirt.

 

“I still miss him so much,” his muffled voice spoke.

 

“So do we,” Taeil responded. 

“But it’ll be a little easier if we can all miss him together.” 

 

Donghyuck, almost a year has gone by without you. And it’s been a really tough year. Nothing is quite the same and everything seems out of place. Without you, Donghyuck, the people you left behind were left a little lost. I promise you, though, they’re getting better. 

You left Doyoung and Yuta. They didn't know you as well as the others, but, after meeting you through Taeil (who never stopped talking about you), they loved you so much. You were so easy to love, it was like you put a spell on everyone you met. They couldn't believe that _their Donghyuck,_ the one who seemed to have life oozing out of him, was gone. It took a lot for them to get over that shock, but they would, not without a permanent scar being left behind, though.

 

You left Johnny without his little brother, without the person he could always dote on. He didn’t quite know where to pour his affections without you there, but he took some comfort in looking after Mark, and even giving strength to Taeil. When you left him behind, Johnny was able to find love in others. He healed, even with the image of your lifeless body always somewhat present in his mind.

 

You left Taeil without his sunshine. A moon without its sun. It doesn’t seem quite right, does it? His days were dull and it hurt him to see his other students to succeed and learn at the pace at which you should be growing. But, he kept going. With the delicate bracelet hanging on his wrist, he felt that maybe, somewhere, you were listening and learning. Maybe you’d even do your vocal exercises for once. You were the student he never got to see graduate, and that was such a real loss. Nevertheless, he focused on his other students. He praised Chenle’s sweet voice, and always remembered to take an aspirin before his lesson with him, fearing the headache brought on by his high-pitched laugh. He was also a fan of that Renjun kid, who worked especially hard _and_ even did his vocal exercises. Don’t worry though, you’re always going to be his favourite. 

 

You left Jisung without his favourite hyung. You didn’t take him to Jeju, like you promised, but he forgave you. When he eventually did go, albeit alone, he almost heard your laugh in the wind and the glint of your eyes in the ocean. Your little Jisung became so independent, you’d be in shock. He even made his own ramen the other day. He still gets the nightmares, although they’re not as frequent. Still, sometimes when he wakes up with tears staining his cheeks, he wishes you were there to hold him. There’s no need to worry, he’s strong and the others take care of him well, mainly Mark and Jeno. They smother him almost as much as you did, but they’ll never quite be you.

 

You left Jeno without his best friend. That was really tough for him, you know. Even with the support of the other guys, he felt completely isolated. He still really misses your movie marathons and the summer trips you would take together. He even misses the mundane things, like your obsession with sugary drinks or the bus ride to school. Jaemin keeps him company, though. He’s not Jeno’s new best friend, he’s not a replacement. Jeno makes sure to remind Jaemin of that, which gets on his nerves. No, he’s just his other best friend, who he also really loves. You probably would have loved him, too, but we’ll never know.  

 

You left Mark without, well, everything. You left him without _you_. You were probably his soulmate. Mark was sure you were meant to spend the rest of your lives together. He was so fractured by the realisation that that was no longer a possibility. Healing will take the longest for Mark, understandably. He’ll get better and things will get easier. That’s what he has to keep telling himself, to keep going without you. God, he misses you. He misses your throaty laugh, especially the laugh you had when you were making fun of him. He misses your soft skin and the way your lips felt against his own. He wishes he could hear you sing again or watch how frustrated you were when doing the simplest maths equations. He just misses you. He misses you so much and he doesn’t plan on stopping any time soon. He’s a different person without you but, rest assured, he’s still Mark. He’s okay, and maybe one day, he’ll be more than okay.

 

Lee Donghyuck, you were and still are so loved. There’s no denying that. You meant the world to so many people and you tore it from under them.

You shouldn’t feel guilty, or like you’re a bad person. You’re not, you weren’t. You were in a lot of pain, they all understand. But, you should know, you really shouldn’t have left like that. You didn’t even grant them a real goodbye. You went out, like a light switch. Suddenly.

 

Donghyuck, can you see what happened when you left? Can you see how important you were to everyone? Could you understand how long and difficult the road to healing was? Do you hear the stories of the people you left behind? 

 

Even if you can’t hear them, this isn’t really about you. This is about them. This is about the world that kept on turning even without you. This is about a world without Lee Donghuck, as different and as challenging as it may be. 

 


End file.
